


A question of existance.

by TayBartlett9000



Category: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams, Red Dwarf
Genre: Gen, Humour, assessment, existance, worthyness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-08-19 06:14:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16528991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TayBartlett9000/pseuds/TayBartlett9000
Summary: "Ford Prefect, I am the inquisitor and I have been tasked with assessing your existance. I hope I do not find you lacking."After playing around with the computer systems  on board the Heart of Gold,  Ford ends up crossing paths with the inquisitor who demands that he   justifies himself.





	A question of existance.

A question  of existence.

 

Ford Prefect stood in the darkness, nerves on the edge as he waited for something, anything, to happen.  The impenetrable blackness loomed over him like a bullying head master and he desperately clung to the only thing that could have offered him comfort in this situation. Delving into his satual, he gripped  his copy of ‘The Hitchhiker’s  guide to the Galaxy’ and held onto it for all he was worth.

“Don’t panick,” he told himself over and over again, “don’t panick. Don’t panick. Don’t panick.”

The booming voice that suddenly  erupted from the chasm of blackness around him caused Ford not only to panick, but to utter a startled oath under his breath.  “Zark,” he said out loud. “What in the hell was that?” he asked inside his  head. He was used to people being displeased whenever he arrived anywhere, but this voice sounded offended at his very   presence. This was not good.

“Ford Prefect!” the voice  boomed,  the thunderous tones  echoing in the silence, “I am the inquisitor. I have been tasked with  assessing the necessity of your existence. If you will please answer all questions honestly, for I shall know instantly if you do not. I hope that I do not find you lacking. If I  do find you lacking, you shall be erased from  existence.”

Ford stood mutely as the words washed over him. Assessing his existence? What did that mean? Ford hadn’t asked for this. He hadn’t done anything  to warrant this unnecessary existence check? Had he?

Thinking back over the day’s events, he tried to work out how he had ended up with this  complex and highly unfavourable situation on his hands. He and Arthur had been fooling around with the Heart of  Gold’s computer systems and had somehow managed  to stray  into this  inquisator’s personal space. Surely that was it. He was sure that he hadn’t stupidly signed up for a voluntary existence test. He had made many an unwise decision while under the influence of some alcholoci beverage or other, but he didn’t think that even he would be capable of such stupidity.  

“Are you ready for your    questioning, Mr Prefect?” the inquisitor asked, breaking roodly into Ford  Prefect’s  thoughts.

Ford nodded with the upmost reluctance and only a small amount of open    reistance. It wasn’t as if he  could back out of the situation now.  He would just have to do what he  could.

Ford closed his eyes for a moment, mastering his resolve, which too was teetering on the edge and upon opening his eyes again, he saw himself standing before him, a wide smile plastered across his face.

“Hi there,” his other self said brightly, “I am here to assess the worth of your existence. Don’t worry,  I’ll try not to be too harsh, alright?” That smile was so  genuine that Ford almost  relaxed before  realising what  this strange occurrence of a second Ford Prefect was all about.  

“I take it we’re assessed by ourselves,” he said  wisely, noting the surprise that crossed the features of theFord Prefect that stood before him. ‘That’s right,’ he said to himself, ‘I know what your game is, mate.’

The Ford Prefect standing in front of him nodded. “Indeed you are,” he replied briskly, “now, justify yourself.”

Ford was thrown by that one. Why should he justify himself? He wondered who this Inquisitor  thought he was. What made  him so  worthy that he thought he had the power and authority to challenge the existence of everyone else? But he couldn’t very well dwell upon that now. He had to justify himself before he could think of the  morality of the whole thing.

“Eh…” he  began, flowndering  a bit.

 The inquisitor posing as Ford Prefect rolled his eyes. “Eh?” he asked sardonically, “not an auspicious start, Mr Prefect. I do hope that you can come up with something a little more consise than eh.”

Ford opened his mouth in an attempt to say something  coherent, but after  a second or two, he closed it again. How could he justify himself? What had he done that was of any good or use to the universe? He could not think of any.

“Eh…” he said again, opening his mouth once more and choosing to  plunge on and say whatever sprang to mind, “I’ve done good things.”

“Oh?” inquisitor Ford asked in a level voice, “like what?”

“I  have tried to find the ultimate question to the ultimate answer of life, the universe and everything.” He sighed with momentary relief. That was surely a good deed.

That momentary relief was shattered an instant later however when Inquisitor Ford snorted with derision. “Oh yes, I was forgetting the ultimate question,” he said with glee, “that doesn’t count.”  

“Doesn’t count?” Ford asked, agast. Why did that not count?

“Finding out the question to the ultimate answer would only lead to more universal problems,” Inquisitor Ford said as if reading Ford’s mind, “and no one wants that. In this mater, you are found not only to be lacking, but a nuisance to the universe and therefore surpless to requirements. Try again. We don’t have much time.”  

Ford shook his head, lost for the moment. Being confronted with a highly judgemental version of ones own self  was certainly not a confidence booster. “Eh…” he said,  flowndering once more, “I have worked to protect  one of the  last humans alive.”

Ford knew at that moment by the  look on the inquisitor’s face, that he has struck gold, or at least a semi precious mettle.  “I see,” the  inquisitor was saying, “I do know this, of course. This is to be credited, Mr Prefect. You have indeed  worked to ensure the safety of Arthur Dent who is a very  important  asset to the universe. This is a  very worthy aspect to your existence, Mr Prefect, and one that deserves consideration. Can you think of anything else?”

Spirred on by his brainwave, Ford began to speak again. “I helped the Magratheans,” he said wildly,  hoping against hope for as positive a  result as he had  gained from his previous response, “I helped to ensure their continued existence making worlds and planets for people.  Surely that is a good thing.”

The inquisitor appeared to think this matter over carefully before  replying. “I would have to agree, Mr Prefect,” he said after a short pause, “I understand that luxury planet building isn’t exactly universally benefitial but ensuring the continued happiness of the universe’s creations is certainly a good thing.”

‘thank Xark,’ Ford said to himself, hoping that he had now said enough.

The  inquisitor lapsed into thoughtful silence as he  pondered Ford  Prefect’s answers. It was  apparent that Ford had presented quite a good case. Ford Prefect stood patiently, wondering what the outcome of this involuntary assessment would be. Was he about to be wiped from existence? ‘I bloody well hope not,’ he thought desperately, ‘I quite like  living, even if I do  live dangerously sometimes.’

The inquisitor looked Ford Prefect in the eye once more. “You are lucky, Mr Prefect,” he said, the image of the second Ford Prefect disappearing as he spoke, the low monotone voice returning, “you have been found worthy of your place in the universe. Your assistance in ensuring the Earthman’s safety has saved ou from being iliminated. Please  make sure that your existence  is not called into question again, and I’m sure you will be fine. Goodbye, Mr Prefect.”

Ford was once again  left alone in the dark. That was a bloody relief. Who would have thought that a simple quest to keep Arthur Dent safe would lead to his position within the universe being  secured? Clearly, Ford Prefect needed Arthur as much as Arthur Dent needed him. That was  a strange truth at no mistake.  He would be sure to remember this assessment in the years to come. Hopefully he would not  make a bungle of his life in the future. He didn’t think he would be able to come up with as good a reason next time, if he was again faced with the inquisitor.


End file.
